Life As I Blow It: Tales of Love, Life & Sex . . . Not Necessarily in That Order
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
In this wickedly funny and irreverent memoir, Chelsea Lately writer and comedian Sarah Colonna opens up about love, life, and pursuing her dreams . . . and then screwing it all up.
Sarah believes we all struggle to grow up. Sometimes we want to have fun, not take things too seriously, and have that fourth margarita. Other times we would like to get married, stay in, order Chinese food, and have a responsible, secure life.
From her formative years in small-town Arkansas to a later career of dates, drinks, and questionable day jobs, Colonna attempts to reconcile her responsible side with her fun-loving side. Sometimes this pans out, and sometimes she finds herself in Mexico handing out her phone number to anyone who calls her pretty. She moves to Los Angeles to pursue acting, but for years is forced to hone her bartending skills; she wants a serious boyfriend, but won’t give up nights at the bar with her friends. She tries to behave like an adult, but can’t seem to stop acting like a frat boy. In the end, she discovers that there doesn’t have to be just one or the other. And if there’s one thing Colonna has learned from her many missteps, it’s that hindsight is always 100 proof.
Includes a Foreword by Chelsea Handler
teenage hormones really loved baseball. Those summers I sat in the stands and dreamed of being a baseball wife. Sure, I heard stories about the kind of life that those people lived. Baseball wives put on a smile and clapped in the stands, but inside they were sad. Their husbands were always gone. They got tired of being alone so they’d try to go to all of the games, including away games. Then they’d get tired of being on the road. They’d go back home but then they’d hear heartbreaking rumors
other because we both looked like we were in our mid-forties. The class was an embarrassment of riches and a testament that everything happens for a reason. Had I not looked to a sixty-year-old wannabe actor/comic for direction in weaving the name of a city and a profession, yelled out by another classmate, into a hilarious Southwest-level comedy bit, I would never have seen Sarah in her underwear. We have smoked cigarettes while wearing our Invisalign. Well, I was wearing mine, but she needs it.
after the time I came home drunk and opened some, saw a huge handprint right down the middle, and noticed that Tilley’s bedroom door was closed. Kevin’s irritation with my love of drinking was growing. He didn’t think it was as cute as I did that I liked to stay at Red Rock until 3 A.M. Since so far the only really impressive thing he’d done was get some of my friends into Universal Studios for free, I wasn’t sure why he acted like he was so much better than me or the people I hung out with. He
was that?” he asked. “What?” I asked back, defensively. “You had like three minutes left onstage. You don’t get offstage when the emcee isn’t even in the room,” he scolded me. I didn’t bother to fight back. He was right. I felt defeated. I felt humiliated. I felt like I had no idea what the hell I was doing. “I’m really sorry,” I mumbled, then I left. Right as I got to my car, my platform wedge gave out and I went flying face-first to the pavement. “That’s about right,” I said out loud. I
had sex with people on camera and you watched?” He didn’t really say much after that, other than “yes” when I demanded to know if he’d been tested for HIV. “Well, this has been great. I came here to break up with you, so I’m going to stick to that and get on out of here. You can go ahead and pay the bill. Don’t forget to leave a nice tip.” Much like Nico, Gavin lived within walking distance of Formosa. He continued to come into the bar and have drinks long after we quit seeing each other. I